When I am Afraid

There's this strange saying in the English language. It's about being afraid. But not of something, rather because of something. You know it..."I'm afraid we won't be able to go" or "I'm afraid I have some bad news." I've always thought it sounded odd to start a sentence like that. But lately, as we've struggled through some parenting and just life moments, I've been saying that a lot to myself and it sounds like this: "I'm afraid I'm not enough." There are TONS of mom blogs out there, not to mention social media, that tell us to give ourselves grace, press on, hang in there, everyone feels the same way, leave the dishes in the sink, and my all-time favorite called "Jesus canceled your mommy guilt trip." I eat those up. I read good stuff about letting go of mom guilt, really connecting with my adopted child, and have some incredible friends who are great at texting late at night after kiddo is in bed and I need some encouragement.

But tonight, my friends, I am going to lay it out there and talk about my fear of not being enough. The truth is, none of us are. It has taken me over three years as a mom to finally admit this to myself. And it's not just about my 'mommy' title, but about every.single.part.of.my.life. My fear has come true and I'm AFRAID I'm just not enough. So tonight, as I was taking a long hot bath trying to make sense of this day that was one of the hardest we've had in a long while, I suddenly remembered a verse that Amber Joy learned at school recently.


There it is in black and white: "When I am afraid, I will trust God." Y'all, this is just the first of a series of three blogs I'm going to write on what I've learned lately from this sassy, beautiful, smart, gift of a child God has given me. And she doesn't even know it. God is using her to teach me that no, I'm not enough. But He is. On the days when I fail to connect or attach with her in the way I want to, God picks up that slack. He's enough. On the days when I wish I could do 'better' at a connection with my husband or taking care of myself or getting to the gym, He's still enough. The operative word is TRUST. Here's my paraphrase: "When I am afraid I'm not enough, I will trust that God is."

A few weeks ago, I had a sobering meeting with my counselor. After she heard me talk for awhile, she looked at me very seriously and said, "So you love God, you just don't trust Him." It wasn't a question she asked...it was a statement. I nodded and said, "yep, that pretty much sums it up." Since then, I've identified other ways I don't trust well in my life and they are plentiful. But guess what? God is even enough for my trust issues. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "(His) grace is sufficient for (me). For His strength is made perfect in weakness."

I am continually amazed at what this parenting journey is teaching me. It's teaching me more about myself than I ever dreamed and my daughter is the conduit. Thank God for being enough.

Comments

  1. Wonderful... Honest... Inspiring.. HOLY...Looking forward to the next two

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