It's a funny thing, really.  How we compare ourselves to other people.  I have challenged myself to become a little more "real" in my blog-writing, but the funny part is that I've been reading others' blogs and have decided I need to be more like them (thinking they are more real than me).  Weird, huh?  Today, I just felt like telling the truth about me and this whole "wife and mom" mentality.  The truth is, I am not a cook.  I don't enjoy it.  I don't iron my husbands shirts for work.  He does it himself.  I don't know how to sew.  Not even a button on a shirt or stitch up a hole.  Never learned.  But these days, I'm struggling with guilt because these are things that a wife and mother should do or at least know how to do, right?  I read other blogs of 'super moms' and see that they make all the decorations for their twelve adopted kids' birthday parties and they always meal plan and have something yummy in the crock pot every night of the week and they have their cute kids in cute clothes that are amazingly clean and ironed.  Not to mention, the photos on Facebook show a clean house.  I just don't get it.  And immediately, I start to doubt myself.  Justin says that I too easily forget the things I can do and do well.  But right now, I'm not really using what I see as my gifts (writing, theater, singing, teaching, etc). 

But I know I can't complain, after all, adoption was my CHOICE, right?  So anything that you choose, that takes two years to complete (like adoption), and takes all of your savings and a lot of the savings of your family means that you don't have any right to complain when it's hard, right?  Since this child...this wonderful, beautiful, amazing child...was a complete and total non-accident and you wanted her with all of your heart, that's why you traveled halfway around the world to get her and sent thousands of dollars, and prayed, and cried, and pined over the eyes of those watching your story play out, you have absolutely no right to complain. EVER.  No right to talk about how hard this is or how sometimes you miss being able to go to a movie with your husband anytime you want, or for Pete's sake, just sleep.

The other day, I made myself a note that I would like to find someone to teach me 'basic sewing,' do some menu planning, maybe a month at a time, and hopefully, at some point, start ironing Justin's shirts.  I think part of me has resisted doing these things because frankly, they are part of the stereotype of being a stay-at-home mom.  Now that we are moving into our ninth month home with Amber Joy, I am internally fighting that stereotype, tooth and nail.  I'm searching job listings (part-time, but nonetheless), I'm thinking EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. about whether I want to adopt again and just how much harder this has been than I thought and wondering if we want to (yes, my internal thoughts) put ourselves through this again.  As I typed that, I thought, "what is Amber Joy going to think if she reads this one day?" 

Let me be clear.  I would not change one thing about how our adoption story played out.  Amber Joy is a complete and total gift from God.  She has brought more happiness, laughter, love, amazement, awe, and joy into our lives than we ever thought possible.  She is 100% our daughter and I have absolutely no doubt that she was picked by God to be a part of our family.  She just fits us so perfectly, and I believe that we fit her.  She belongs here.  Do we want to adopt again?  We don't know.  Justin is a very practical person, and for that, I'm grateful.  He sees the big pictures of debt, college for our child(ren), cars, and just the general cost of living in the United States today.  If we adopt again, I will most definitely have to work at least part-time, but what would that do to the bonding and attachment with our kid(s)?  Lots of moms do it, I know, but wow, I'll be 40 next summer!  I always saw my sister as the one that would have a lot of kids. 

So maybe, what I'm saying through this big long runon sentence of a blog is that I'm wrestling.  With myself, with trying to figure out what I should be vs. what and who I am, with our desire one day and our 'absolutely not' attitude the next day about adopting again.

I'm loving Jen Hatmaker's blog's the link to her most recent post.

Oh, and here is a recent pic of our precious baby girl and her daddy :)


  1. I love your honesty here. If Amber Joy reads this one day, she will see your vulnerability in sharing the tough stuff and strength as you fight for joy through it.

    This parenting stuff, it's hard. Zoe is our third, but I think the past six weeks that we've been home have been the hardest six weeks of our marriage. We are tired. We have more to do than hours in any given day, and as I posted on the blog yesterday, our new pediatrician is a friend from college who went to med school and did her residency while I did the mom thing... and it makes my mind wander to what life might have been if I had gone a different direction. Just like you, I love being a mom and I love the path God has given our family, but it's hard sometimes.

    And I'm thankful that my fancy camera makes the backgrounds of pictures blurry, because the mess is less obvious that way. Our house is NOT one of those clean ones! :)


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