First Thoughts

Tonight, I looked at my husband and said "Years ago, if someone had asked me 'how can you believe in God?' I would have said something to do with looking around at the universe or the trees and all of the majesty of creation. Now, if someone wonders how I can believe in God, I would simply point to you." Each day, I am more convinced that there was something much bigger than me orchestrating my collision course with Justin. It happened at just the right time in my life and although he is not what I thought I wanted, he is exactly what I needed.

And so, this metaphor continues into our desire to be parents. For several months, we have breezed by the subject of adoption if our attempts to have a child of our own continue to fail. But Justin has not been 'ready.' Such a strange word to me...when are we ever really ready for big changes in life? I have chosen to wait (sometimes impatiently) for him to come around to my way of thinking ;). My 36 year old body and sleep requirements are getting more demanding by the day. If we want to experience having a newborn and all of the trials and celebrations that go with it, we need to begin the process of adoption soon so that we have a door to this option. I never want to stop trying to become pregnant, but in my mind, adoption is giving us another possibility...a better chance...that we will be 'mommy and daddy' sooner rather than later.

From the time Justin was a teenager, he has desired to be a parent. He says that for him, it's a 'man thing' to want a child who looks like you and grows up with your same characteristics and carries on the family name. Neither of our parents have biological grandchildren and we longed to make that happen. But again, God has revealed to us that the way we want something is not necessarily what we need. And in this case, not what our future child might need. It is amazing to think that somewhere out there, a young lady may at this moment be carrying the baby that will one day be my child, my teenager, and the mother or father of my grandchildren! That child will need us as much, if not more than we need him or her.

At the beginning of January, Justin went to Bethany Christian Services website and decided he was ready to start inquiries into their adoption process. We sent an e-mail, and within the last three weeks, we have completed our pre-application, attended an information session, completed our formal application, have most of our references in, and have been invited to the domestic adoption orientation on Feb. 5! We cannot believe that after trying to have a child for almost 2 years, we could potentially be parents by the end of 2010. There is so much to think about and prepare for, both mentally and emotionally. Afterall, we have had to completely change how we picture our future child because he or she could have a different skin color, not to mention, we will have a different formula of anticipation than the regular nine months, ultrasounds, pregnancy issues, maternity clothes, and doctor visits. Instead, our stomachs will lurch when the phone rings from Bethany with thoughts of "this could be it!" And we will most likely not have the same amount of time to get a room ready and to buy all the things that are needed for bringing our child home. We will meet a birthmother, have classes to attend, a home study, fees, a caseworker, and an attorney. A judge will finalize the formation of our family.

But for us, the bottom line is the last word in the sentence above: FAMILY. I am open to how God chooses to get us there. It may not be what I thought I wanted, but I am confident that our need to be parents and our child's need for love will be met in abundance.



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