The scriptures floating in my head

This blog is becoming like a 'I have to write it down now or I will explode' journal for me.  Today, I attended day #1 of my third straight year of the "Empowered to Connect" conference on adoption and foster care.  My brain hurts.  My eyes are tired and I'm sitting here on the bed thinking of the millions of other things I could/should be doing while no one is in the house but me, and I put the list in the floor and pulled out the computer.  Ever have those days where if you don't write down all the thoughts in your head, you're convinced they will all come spewing out of your ears?

I'm not typically a scripture-quoter.  Quite frankly, people who go around quoting scripture all the time tend to annoy me.  But today, I've had tons of them floating around in my head.  Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Lately, I just feel like I haven't been very connected.  Know what I mean?  My relationship with Justin is not bad, but we've not really clicked emotionally in awhile.  He does his thing and I do mine and we get into the roommate syndrome of marriage.  It's when you forget how amazingly awesome this person you're married to really is and you start to take them for granted.  That's a dangerous place for us to be.  Too comfortable.  So today, my prayer is that God will create that clean heart in me...give me a "do over" and renew a right spirit in me when it comes to my precious husband.  I want to look at him and be reminded that he is a GIFT and that God chose us for each other for the purpose of building each other up and to use that foundation in God's very kingdom.  That's what grace is all about.  And wow, God's grace is AMAZING.

And about the little peanut we call Amber Joy...I've sort of gotten my responsibility to her out of order I think.  I make sure she's fed, clothed, changed, bathed, and for the most part, content.  But I've started to believe that her happiness rests on my shoulders.  If she's not happy, I want to know why and I want to fix it.  I want her to like me.  I want her to like Justin.  I want her to feel secure and safe and attached to us and be this wonderfully content little child.  Maybe some unrealistic expectations?  She is 19 months old and still very needy and she whines a lot.  It gets on my nerves.  I don't much care for whining...I was never allowed to whine, so why should I let her?  I was reminded today that every single child who is in a foster care situation or who was adopted comes from a hard place and a place where there has been hurt.  She doesn't have a voice yet.  She is still working on the very basic issue of trust.  Lord, I have become lazy and even apathetic about my connections with her on some days.  I get so wrapped up in my to-do list and Facebook and e-mail and phone calls that I forget about this beautiful, curious, funny girl you've placed within arm's reach.  God, help me to be present with my daughter, both physically and emotionally.  Help her to learn from me that she IS precious and that she has a voice.  Show me how to lead her to you.  Forgive me for getting into such a routine that the excitement has gone.  She's the joy of our lives and brings so much laughter (if she were a boy, Isaac would be a very appropriate name).  Galatians 6:9: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

And you, O God, my rock and my redeemer, thank you for reminding me that at the beginning, middle, or end of each and every day, you are there waiting for me.  You are pursuing me relentlessly and desire a relationship with me.  How can I ever hope to lead my daughter to a God whom I knew in the past, but haven't had time to talk with recently?  It's like telling your child to do as you say, not as you do.  But beyond what my relationship with my Heavenly Father would mean to my husband and child, God, remind me continually that in order for all other things to make sense, I must seek you first for me.  My intention must be intentional.  I desire a relationship with my creator because I was made to do is in my very DNA.  When that relationship is broken or non-existent, all other relationships (with myself and with others) are not healthy.  We are created to connect: first with God, then to our spouse, then our children.  Lord, re-program my thinking.  Matthew 6:33: Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well.



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