One week to go (the unedited version)

I need to get this down on 'virtual' paper, so sorry if this doesn't sound like what a missionary should sound like. Today, this stinks. Today, I don't want to go. I wish God would use some other IT professional in Papua New Guinea and not my husband. I'm wondering all the things...like, are we ruining our child's life? What if this is all a huge mistake? Why would I voluntarily fly across the Pacific Ocean again? I hate flying over water. HATE IT. My job is not going to be that important. {everyone reading this is now thinking, "oh, what you're doing is important to God" and that frustrates me even more.}

We're tired. Tired of the grueling fundraising schedule we've been on over the past few months, traveling, speaking at churches, not being able to worship in our home church. We are living in a tiny apartment and sometimes, it feels like the walls are closing in.

I'm concerned for our safety, I'm not at all thrilled to go to a country that does not value women in the same ways, and I feel like I'm losing my freedom to get out and go and do. We won't have a vehicle, except one we have to reserve in advance, and mainly we only drive when we head to town for grocery shopping once per month. Today, I saw a friend of mine in a musical and I was so jealous. I was in theater once too and have longed to have the opportunity to be back on stage. Don't see that happening anytime soon. And what about adopting again? We have talked about it many times in the past five years and now, it feels like we're maybe choosing missions over adoption because I just don't see how we can do both. Plus, I'm about to turn 44. Time isn't exactly on our side right now.

And really, just in the past few weeks of having to say goodbye to friends and family have I come to realize just how many people I have and how much they mean to me. That sounds pretty cliche I know, but seriously.

When I think about being there, I feel lonely, restricted, and fear not having a creative outlet.

So let me stop.

Just because I FEEL something does not make it true. Just because I am having a tough time dealing with the reality that in just eight days, I'll board a plane with my family to start the biggest adventure of our lives, does not mean that all the days will be tough. I am slowly learning that my emotions, though a gift from God, can drag me down quickly and suffocate me if I am not on guard. Today's feelings do not = truth forever and ever amen. My emotions today are simply one window into my world, but they do not define me.

And so, I'll lie down in a few minutes, tears on my pillow and uncertainty in my heart, but in spite of these temporal things, I will still know that God is good, His mercy endures forever, and He is faithful. That is my joy and my peace.


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