Miller Plus One

God has been talking to me about my lack of discipline in my spiritual life.  I usually do everything else I need to get done in the day first, then, if there is any time left (which isn't often), I spend a few minutes reading my Bible or a few moments in prayer.  Today, I got up, made coffee and a quick breakfast, checked the bank balance, then, instead of turning on the TV, I went to our den and spent dedicated time with the God of the universe.  Twenty minutes of silence followed by reading in 1 Samuel about Hannah: From The Message translation of 1 Samuel 1:1-19: "Penninnah had children; Hannah did not...Hannah was reduced to tears and had no appetite.  Her husband said 'Oh Hannah, why are you crying?  Why aren't you eating? And why are you so upset?'...Then she pulled herself together, slipped away quietly, and entered the sanctuary...Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried--inconsolably.  Then she made a vow: 'Oh, God of the Ang...

Today, I realized it has been over a month since my last post.  Most of you know that the birthmother we had been speaking to made the decision to go with another family.  It was hard.  It was weird and a different emotion than I had ever felt.  We had just started to put our toes in the water of hopefulness when we were forced to jerk ourselves back from the edge.  To make things tougher, during the week we had been speaking with the birthmom, she found out that the baby was a little girl.  I used to think I wanted a boy, and of course we will be ecstatic about any child who finds its way into our home, but the idea of having a little girl is a dream for lots of moms.  I think that I moped around for about another week after we found out this was not our baby, and then I began to get that glint in my eye again, remembering that, in the end, when I have my baby in my arms, all of this waiting and heartache, like labor pains, will just be a memory....

You would think that when we have a possibility of a conversation with a birth mom that it would have made the blog before today.  Afterall, I found out about this possibility this past Saturday...five days ago.  However, if there is one thing we've learned through this process, it's that everything has to go through the PROCESS.  There are i's to dot and t's to cross and we find ourselves being almost too careful at times: not sharing details, wanting to be vague, and waiting, even when we may not need to.  On Saturday, I received a message from an acquaintance telling me that she knows of a birth mom in another state who is interested in talking with us.  Even typing it right now makes it feel more tangible.  Up to this point, we have had trouble thinking of these babies as "real."  We can't see them, touch them, hold them, introduce them to our families, allow life to change the way it would if they were home...  Even though I'm consi...

...from December 21st... I don't remember what was on the eighth day of Christmas in the song.  I sat here forever trying to remember.  I suppose I could have googled it, but oh well.  Maids a milking?  Today is the eighth day of Christmas according to the calendar.  The Advent season is nearing an end and, if you remember my blog from last year, Advent has been an interesting time for me for the past few years.  I had always wanted to be pregnant during Advent.  I thought it would be a magical thing to get to feel what it might have been like for Mary as she watched, worried, wondered, and waited. ...December 30th... Today is my last day as a probation officer with the State of Tennessee.  Justin and I have made the decision for me to stay home and fill my time continuing to prepare our home for a baby and getting more practice as I care for others' children (changing diapers is a learned skill!).  We have been...

I can't believe it's been nearly a year since we sent our first e-mail requesting information from Bethany on domestic adoption.  This year has been full of so many changes for us as we prepare to expand our family.  We were talking just today about how we didn't know when we started dating five years ago that it would still be just the two of us this far down the road in our marriage.  But now, we're learning to appreciate that we've had the time to really get to know each other and become true partners.  I told Justin that it took what seemed like forever for me to find him (or for him to find me), that when our baby does come home, hopefully I will feel the same way: thankful for the time we had to wait because it makes the fulfillment that much sweeter.  We haven't had a referral since the last out of state (we don't know when our profile is being shown in Tennessee) and we're glad for the reprieve.  The last referral was so emotional, it's been ...

I must admit, it's been nice to have a reprieve from all things adoption over the past month or so.  We've been focusing on getting ready for our trip to Disney, my favorite vacation spot!  Justin and I are flying down tomorrow so that he can attend a conference with HCA at the Gaylord Palms resort.  I'm staying with him for the first two nights, then my parents will arrive and we'll check in on Sunday at the Wyndham Bonnet Creek, just outside of Epcot.  This coming week, my dad will turn 60.  We all decided that Disney World would be the perfect place to celebrate his big day!  As a child, I remember mom and dad taking Amber and me to Disney no less than 15 times, and we never grew tired of the magic, wonder, and fantasy of it all.  Justin and I went down in April 2008, and although Justin doesn't really share my love for the place, he is a good sport!  We have a crib that now has a mattress, a car seat, a painted nursery, a changing table, and...

We wait...and wait, and wait, and wait.  I am finding out that life must go on, even in waiting for our baby.  And it should.  I am aware that the process itself, no matter what it is, is as important or more so, than the destination.  I try to learn something each day about myself or about those I love.  But much like my family experienced in the months after Amber died, the world does not stop for us to get off and catch our breath and rest for awhile.  However, God provides that resting place even as life continues to spin around us.  There has also been another similarity I've noticed to grief in this time of waiting for our baby...the fact that others will say "I know exactly how you feel."  Adoptive families say this to each other, and I've even said it to friends, knowing that it's not true.  No one knows how we feel.  It's impossible.  I don't even know how Justin feels, though I try.  No family...